As I write this post, I'm sitting in my favourite spot on the couch, one cat curled into my thigh while the other stares at me from atop the opposite arm rest. The apartment is silent, save for Callie's audible purring and the whirring of the baseboard heaters that make the Canadian winter liveable. Tonight is much like any other night at home - solitary, calm, and peaceful. As I sit here, trying for the third night in a row to write a coherent post for my blog hop, I'm struck as I often am by how different my life could've been if I had ever fallen in love with someone who loved me back. I could be living in a multi-room house instead of an apartment for one; my coffee table could be covered with children's toys instead of medical textbooks; the ambient noise level could be decibels higher thanks to a partner and a collection of offspring. One difference in my relationship status leading to everything else being different.
When I think about these things, however, it isn't with remorse or really even with longing. I used to desperately want that other life, to the point where I clung fiercely to relationships that at best weren't right and at worst were horribly wrong. But now? After years of immersing myself in the single life, of really seeing what it can be, I've made peace with it. I even like it. I appreciate how being single has led me to deeper relationships with my Mom and my nieces and my friends than I might otherwise have had. I value the places I've seen and the things I've experienced through solo travel. I love having the time to devote to my own interests and learning, both within and without the world of medicine. I like my single life.
Which is, I think, how it should be. Because whether I love or despise my life, this is the one that I've been given. There is no magic potion to drink or genie's lamp to rub or sacred candle to light that will suddenly make me not single. Not to say that it won't happen - I am always open to the possibility of finding that reciprocated love that has been thus far elusive - but simply that there is nothing I can do to force it to happen. The only real choice I have is to make the most of where and what I am or to sit on the sidelines of life whining about everything that is missing. Which is a very easy choice.
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Thanks to everyone who has linked up with my Valentine's Week Blog Hop. If you're a single blogger who would like to participate, there are still 52 hours to do so as of the time of this post. So please link up!
5 comments:
glad to hear you are enjoying the evening, much like i am. although married i'm sitting cozily on my couch, dog at my side, in a quiet house while my husband is out. and i too, appreciate the quiet...
Well, I feel kind of bad that I won't be writing a post specifically for the blog hop. Frankly, things are way too confusing for me even to know where to bloody start writing such a post.
As for singlehood, I still don't know that I've ever become truly comfortable with it. Having grown up with parents who stayed together, and who were (and still are) very much in love with each other, I think my subconscious level of "normal" got branded into me at a very early age. And despite the years having passed by, and including many of the experiences you talk about in this post (travel, friendships, and the like), I think there's a small part of me that's never felt quite "balanced" as a single guy.
But at least I've come to accept that fact. :)
I know the Serenity Prayer has become so cliche, and we're both atheists, but I still think it so true. Change what you can, accept what you can't, wisdom to know the difference. You're to #3, I think. Which is not to say that anything is permanent, but I really believe the key to happiness is accepting what you have when you have it. Good and bad to every situation.
I will have to admit though that last night I was thinking "Hm, maybe I should consider a serious relationship because I seem to be loving like that." I'm not casual and cool - whatever man I'm closest to becomes some sort of imaginary boyfriend or something such. Not in a creepy way - more like an ersatz boyfriend - the person I can rely on in that way. If I'm already doing that, why not go the next step to being in a real relationship?
Maybe. I'm not totally convinced. I'm too selfishly possessive of my freedom. But the man here in Libya who takes care of me in every way is slowly chipping away at that, I think. (Not that I'll be in a relationship with him. But I could be less resistant to the possibility of meeting the right man. Libyan men have said "You are so brave and bold - you cannot be controlled - I respect that!" But they wouldn't want their own wife to act this way.)
BTW, as I type this I see the picture of your cat on the post below, and s/he is ADORABLE. What a love.
Gnocchi, pesto and this weeks episode of trashy but glossy tv show Nashville
Happy as a clam :) Enjoyed all the posts
Well it's been a topic me and some friends have been talking about, I'm enormously comfortable with my loneliness and sometimes must accept that I've been thinking of dating but as you said, I've had the chance to appreciate the world much more trough traveling, personal projects, going out without any plan or expectations, single life may look tough from the outside but from where I'm standing has became very grateful... in deed is a terrible pity that friends with relationships seems to be quite repressed and somehow lost a bit of themselves in order to be with someone... if it's good or bad the single life, well I'm not the right person to judge that... so far everything is going just fine
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