The timing of this post is perhaps a bit odd, given that I just devoted an entire post to stories of alcohol-infused egg nog and photos of my Christmas tree, but this is a thought that's been weighing on my mind lately, so I thought I'd try to get it down in a post. Before I get into any talk about religion, I want to add the disclaimer that I don't want to offend anyone with what I write here. I recognize that these are my own personal beliefs, not necessarily the "truth", and that everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. I don't mean for this post to be disrespectful in any way towards people who do believe in God.
This year marks the first Christmas that I've considered myself to be an atheist. For decades, probably since I was seven or eight and heard the term for the first time, I've always thought of myself as an agnostic. I never felt that I could know whether there was or wasn't a God with any sort of certainty, so agnosticism to me was a comfortable state of non-belief. As I've gotten older, however, my beliefs about life and the universe have tipped further and further towards the atheist side of the scale. Medicine in particular has done this; through my training, I've been witness to incredible unfairness and suffering that, to me, isn't consistent with the idea of a compassionate supreme being.
The tipping point for me came while reading The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins while on holidays in Hawaii earlier this year. (Because apparently I'm incapable of reading light, mindless books, even when surrounded by some of the most amazing natural beauty in the world.) I won't get into the relative merits or flaws of the book (there are 1751 customer reviews that address them if you're interested), but what struck me about the book was Dawkins's comparison between a belief in God (or belief that there isn't a God) and a belief in a scientific theory. To paraphrase badly, Dawkins says that a person will claim a belief in a scientific theory not because they know with 100% certainty that it's true, but rather because they feel that the balance of evidence is strongly in favour of that theory. Similarly with atheism, a person doesn't have to "know" that there isn't a God to be an atheist, but simply needs to feel that the balance of evidence is strongly in favour of there not being a God. Reading that, and believing that the balance of evidence was towards there not being a God, was enough for me to switch from calling myself an agnostic to calling myself an atheist.
All of which is a long way of getting to my point about being an atheist at Christmas. Being an agnostic at Christmas wasn't all that hard, because even though I wasn't convinced about the religious significance of the holiday, I was still open to the possibility that it was true. I could still go to church and sing Christmas carols and participate in the holiday with some spiritual meaning behind what I was doing. But as an atheist, that's gone. Suddenly a holiday that I've celebrated my entire life feels devoid of any meaning to me. In some ways, I feel like a fraud to be celebrating the holiday at all; it's as if Christmas isn't really mine to celebrate anymore.
Surprisingly, to me at least, this feels like a huge loss. Christmas has always been one of the most magical times of the year for me - a time of sparkling lights and favourite homemade treats and endless visiting with family. And while none of the external aspects of Christmas have changed, the internal purpose and feeling behind it has. I wish in some ways that I could rewind time, unread The God Delusion and unsee the suffering of my patients, so that I could go back to a point in time when I still wasn't convinced that God existed, but I also wasn't convinced that God didn't exist*.
Heck...while we're at it, I'd like to rewind to a point in time when my Dad was still alive. Because to me, nothing epitomized Christmas more than sitting next to my Dad on the couch, egg nog in hand, as he put the scratchy John Lennon album on the record player and played Happy Christmas (War Is Over) for the first time of the holiday season.
Happy Christmas Dad.
*I realize that this is one of the most awkward sentences ever written. It sounded good in my head when I wrote it, and now I can't come up with a better way of phrasing it. Hopefully you'll forgive me and my tired brain for such terrible writing.
12 comments:
If I may comment on your very personal 'dilemma': I've described myself as an atheist for a very long time now and I have about zero problem celebrating Christmas anyway. As your cartoon rightly points out, there's been a series of hijackings of the season for various holidays for various gods, so really, it's not like Christianity owns the date, they're just renting it for the time being. Instead, I celebrate it as what they're presenting it as: a family holiday, to cherish the time of being with those nearest to you, a time to stop and think and contemplate your life and relationships and such. Nothing necessarily Christian about that.
I agree with Snarky. I identify as agnostic, while I was raised Jewish (although that's cultural as well). Some of the holidays that are solely religiously-based, like Yom Kippur, hold no meaning for me and I don't celebrate them. But others, like Hanukkah, aren't really a problem. It's more about family togetherness, thankfulness, and let's face it...presents and food :) So much of the holidays is commercialized. There's not much 'religion' about it, save for the words of certain songs or Nativity scenes. That just makes me roll my eyes, but America will still do what America does best- spend lots of money on decorations and presents...which is mostly unrelated to what was originally being celebrated. And I love how people tend to ignore the Pagan roots of Christmas. Typical.
My (roman catholic) family doesn't know this, but I go back and forth between atheist and agnostic. Right now I'm a little bit more agnostic again, it's more that I want to believe because it seems very comforting if you do, but when I really think about it, I don't believe.
I too miss what Christmas was when I was a child. Or even just a few years ago. I'm in a strange state right now where my immediate family is breaking off into littler families so we're not all together in our home country until after Christmas day. I also never get to spend Christmas with my boyfriend, since I leave the country to see my family, and that feels weird. I'm looking forward to creating my own Christmas traditions someday, finding a way to make it special again (or at least fun).
I know Jews and Muslims who celebrate Christmas. To them it is a time to hang twinkling lights and go to parties and visit family. To me it has another aspect. To me just as important as those things are, it is more important to go to the Bethlehem Walk and the Christmas Eve Service at church and to watch the midnight mass at the Bascillica on tv, because that's what I believe. Because to me, it just wouldn't be Christmas without these. But you don't have to focus on the same things that I do. Make it what you want it to be.
Come to my town, SD. A large part of the population here in Israel don't even know on what day of the year Christmas is celebrated. ;)
I don't want to seem to diminish your feelings. This must be huge and all tied up with your dear Dad, too.
Can a religious lady in Jerusalem send you a no-strings-attached hug?
I've recognized my lack of belief in a supreme being since high school but I consider myself culturally a Catholic much like I consider myself an American of Irish-German extraction.
Despite not seeing a religious purpose to the holiday, I embrace it with all the fixin's because it gives me a profound connection to my heritage, late loved ones and my descendants to come.
After the deaths of my parents, I too wished I could rewind life to the magic of my happy childhood.
I've found though that with the acute grief I feel during the holidays come my strongest memories and, in a strange way, they give me peace.
I hope that you too will be able to realize some serenity this year.
Ah, Kate said it so much better than I could have. Culturally Catholic. That's what I'm calling myself from now on.
I really celebrate the turning of the year and the wonder of the universe, nature, and life itself. That all is very spiritual without being the least bit religious. As the days begin to get longer, I feel the worst of winter is over and life will begin again - New Years and Easter are more often associated with these feelings but Christmas does it for me.
I, too, am Culturally Catholic (excellent term!)but have long since lost any sense of awe and wonder associated with the religious aspects. Family/friends/strangers, mid-winter lights and glitter, feasting in a time of natural scarcity, months of winter weather yet to come but the days are getting longer - Christmas!!
What Snarky said. It's about family and being together and being thankful as much as anything else.
At the big Catholic basilica, Mass is performed every year at midnight. For the 2 hours prior, there is a choir and the organ bellows out thunderous, amazing music.
I'm not Catholic. My parents are not Catholic.
Yet, I've gone every year to the Christmas mass. And every year I celebrate a Christian holiday and ponder how to make the next year even better than the last.
I had a problem back in the 3rd or 4th grade when my Christian school teacher told me my Jewish friends would not join me in heaven, going on to explain that only Christians went to heaven.
I didn't like that then, and I hate it now. Especially in light of the fact that many of my acquaintances at school are of every other faith than Christianity and in talking to them about their beliefs, it seems quite similar to Christians.
My parents are horrified. When I told them I thought Jesus probably lived, was probably an amazing man, and probably did amazing things for those around him, I don't think he hung on a cross for me. Even as I type that I'm looking over my shoulder waiting for the lightning to strike me dead.
Anyway, I do believe there is "something" bigger than me out in the wide universe and at the same time, I believe in evolution. I believe that "something" sparked that initial change to create life. I believe there is a God, a heavenly power, or something.
I just don't know what that is.
The same way I cannot evidence love, I cannot evidence a God.
I still believe in both. I just don't believe one religion has the entire quota on who gets into heaven and who does not.
Hopefully, that all made sense.
I go to Mass to find peace within. I go to mass to be reminded to be thankful for what I do have, not be angry for that which I don't. I go to find an inner sanctum where people are for a mere 2 hours trying to remember to be kind to each other, to care for each other, to help each other through this thing called life.
I go for that. And then I hope to remind myself of all that throughout the year... which sometimes works and sometimes, I'm just a cantankerous hag :)
Great post!
I think it's marvellous that everyone and anyone can celebrate Christmas, Christian or not. I'm personally a practicing Catholic, and while I gripe and roll my eyes occasionally at the excess of people that crowd my local church around Christmas and Easter (often so there's no seats for my family and I), I'm actually really happy to see so many people come together to share a such a lovely mass.
At least you have the good memories of your family and your father that you can associate with this time of year. Enjoy the twinkling lights, the parties, the parties with friends, etc.
A big part of Christmas for me has always been about celebrating some of the good things that humanity does in its name. We spent my childhood helping at food banks packing boxes, directing traffic flow at Toys for Tots, and doing service projects. Even if you take away the religious aspect, it is still very heartwarming to embrace the charity and kindness that should be the hallmark of the season.
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