Cue Jeopardy Theme

In order to go to the concert last night, I had to reschedule my travel plans and get a less-than-ideal flight to Italy.  As a result, I am now on a seven hour layover in a city where I dont* speak the language and therefore dont feel comfortable leaving the airport to explore**.  That and it would cost me over $100 to actually get into the city, and I would far rather spend the money on wine and gelato once I reach my destination.  Le grand sigh.

I am not a patient waiter.  Now that I have caught up on the goings on in the internet and wolfed down a tasteless, overpriced airport meal, I am going a bit squirrely.  Fortunately, I am also exhausted from getting a grand total of two hours of sleep (the price of going to concert extraordinare the night before leaving on a trip), so Ive been able to pass a bit of time snoozing.  I hadnt intended to sleep in the airport - traveling by myself, I dont exactly feel safe lying unconscious with my valuables scattered around me in a public place - but sometimes the body has its own ideas.  Particularly when I try to read The Last Station.  Although I am sure its a good book, historical fiction about Tolstoys Russia is a bit to heavy for a sleep-deprived travel day.

(As a total aside...an airport security person just rode past me on a Seguay!  I wonder if its too late for a career change...)

(As another aside...um...crap...lack of sleep has eaten my brain and I dont remember what I was going to say.  Oh wait...I was going to complain about my inability to use apostrophes on this computer.  Argh.  Help!)

Wow...my apologies for this very dull post, and my thanks for making it this far.  I will hopefully reward you with some photos of my journeys over the next three weeks.  At the moment all I can offer is a photo of the airport chairs, so I will spare you.

Cheers.

*  I am using a new Acer netbook while I travel, and for some reason the apostrophe key gives me a è instead of an apostrophe.  So I apologize for the apostrophe-free contractions and the stilted sentences in which I avoid contractions altogether (the sentences that are stilted because of my poor writing abilities you will just have to get used to).  As someone who used to work as a proofreader, this is driving me absolutely nuts.  As someone who is mildly incompetent at using computers, this will sadly likely last the duration of my trip, unless some wise person on the Internet can help me out.

**  I recognize the irony of this statement given that I am heading off to spend three weeks in a country where I dont speak the language.  Despite trying to justify this a number of times, I cant think of a logical explanation for why Italy doesnt worry me but an afternoon in Montreal does.  Consider it one of my loveable idiosyncracies.

Gratitude

I have a habit of complaining at times.  I often feel shortchanged by the universe because I don't have a partner, I carry too much weight in my thighs, my hair isn't perfect...etc. etc.  But at other times the universe knocks me on my ass with its generosity.  Such has been the last week.

One week ago today, I graduated from medical school and became a doctor.  Admittedly, I played at least a small role in getting to that point, but I also recognize that a lot of factors had to align in my life for that to be possible.  Then, three days later, a wonderful group of loving friends and family gathered to celebrate both my graduation and my 33rd birthday.  Tonight, my brother took me to see the amazing David Gray for my graduation present.  And tomorrow, thanks to a lot of frequent flyer miles and the remaining room on my line of credit, I fly to Italy.

Life is good.

Beginning to panic

In two days, I leave for a three-week trip to Italy.  I have not packed anything yet.  My laundry hamper is overflowing, as is the basket that holds the overflow laundry.  I am still missing some essential items, like footwear and a backpack.  This is despite spending seven hours shopping today and nearly suffering a mental breakdown over sunscreen (Do I want spf 45 or 60?  Coppertone or Neutrogena?  Do I need a separate sunscreen for my face?).  I am not the most decisive of people, so I have a tendency to get overwhelmed by the endless aisles of variety at Walmart.  Fortunately I had the sense to not go on Saturday, as was my original plan, or you may have heard news reports of a crazed Canadian losing it in the Health and Beauty section.

Somehow I will get it all done, and then I will have 20 hours of travel to "relax".  And then I will be in Rome, with a good friend and hopefully a good glass of wine.  Sometimes life is very good.

Photo Friday - My Fridge

Calliope has another Photo Friday theme up at her blog Creating Motherhood – this week it’s "the inside of your fridge".  Because I don't follow directions well, I thought I'd post a photo of the outside of my fridge to start.  The photo shows a picture of Tinkerbell and friends that was coloured by one of my nieces (note also the baby picture of me in the lower righthand corner and the great Alice in Wonderland quotation):

My two nieces, who are four and five, are ridiculously obsessed with fairies and princesses.  Every time I babysit, I'm asked to read Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White and the many other fairy tales about beautiful princesses who find their one true love and live happily ever after.  I feel a bit like I'm brainwashing them!  Any good suggestions of less horrendously anti-feminist books that would appeal to two girls who are infatuated with princesses?

The second picture is the actual inside of my fridge:

You may note that there isn't much food in it, aside from a varied collection of condiments and individual packages of yogurt.  This past week was my graduation from medical school (more to come about that exciting event!), so I was doing a lot of eating out and not a lot of cooking at home.  Hmm...I say that as if I am normally a gourmand with lavish home-cooked meals.  I'm really not.  Which is why this is also on my fridge:

Mmmm...Vietnamese takeout...

Mother's Day and Baby Feet....Nom Nom Nom...

Happy Mother’s Day Mom! My mom and I are two very different people who sometimes clash over our distinct perspectives on the world, yet we love each other dearly. I appreciate my mom so much for giving up her working life so that my brother and I would always have a friendly face and a warm meal to come home to at the end of the day. (My mom is a great cook, so the warm meal was always a welcome bonus.) Even now, my mom keeps me well-fed and clothed by sending me home with care packages of homemade meals and clean laundry. Thanks Ma! The last four years of medical school would have been much hungrier, dirtier, and lonelier without her.

While Mother’s Day is great for reminding me about how lucky I am to have my mom, it also inevitably gets me reflecting on the fact that I am not a mother. Motherhood and children have never had a strong draw for me – I was a miserable children’s day camp counselor, and I get exhausted after babysitting my nieces for a few hours – but I have always thought that I would eventually find “the right man” and have a family. A few years ago, while in a long-term relationship with a very family-oriented man, I even found myself contemplating baby names and trying to figure out the optimal time in a medical career to have babies (which, sadly, is never). Since the end of that relationship, however, another relationship has yet to come along, and so I find myself approaching my 33^rd birthday with rapidly aging ovaries and no potential family in sight.

Superficially at least, I feel at peace with this. I enjoy my freedom to travel and to sleep in on weekends without squirming children vying for bed space. I can tell myself, and usually be convinced, that I’m not a person who needs kids to be happy. But then my friend brings her two adorable munchkins to visit, and I’m confronted with their chubby cheeks and nomable feet:

And their cuddliness and entertaining belly laughs challenge my conclusion that I’m not the mothering type. But with five years of intense training ahead of me, and no co-parent in sight, motherhood is definitely an impractical option. So what to do?

A Trip Down Memory Lane

When I graduated from high school almost 15 years ago, I was part of a group of five very close friends that I had known since as early as kindergarten. At the time, all five of us were in similar places: still living at home, about to start university, and all completely and utterly single. Although the group has dispersed to various parts of Canada since graduation, I have maintained contact with all the members, and am lucky enough to see them all periodically.

Through an interesting twist of timing and overlapping visits to our hometown, I’ve gotten together with three of these four longtime friends in the past week. Seeing my friends and talking for hours over coffee has really brought home to me how different my life is from theirs. Whereas I am single, living in a rental apartment, and childless, all three of my friends are married, two have recently bought homes, and one is a new mom to twins. I am honestly and genuinely happy for them, but I can’t help but wonder why fate (God? Allah? Krishna?) has been so kind to them but left me still wanting and waiting.

The differences between me and my friends also, unfortunately, create a separation between us that is becoming increasingly difficult to bridge. While I can understand in theory how difficult it must be to be kept awake all night by a screaming pair of babies, it isn’t something that I’ve experienced or understand on a gut level. I miss the days of being able to commiserate with friends about terrible blind dates or the agony of having to end a relationship that just isn’t meant to be. I miss commonality and shared experiences with my friends.

That’s part of my motivation for creating this site…the need to find a community of people in a similar place. Now that all of my previously single friends have crossed over to the other side, I’m hoping that perhaps I can find some of the remaining single people out there in the virtual world to connect with. Anyone out there?

Photo Friday - My "Inner Sanctum"

Calliope of Creating Motherhood hosts a weekly "Photo Friday" event in which she posts a photo theme and gets readers to post links to their photos that fall within the theme. This week's theme is desks/inner sanctum. Here's what mine usually looks like:

Welcome

Hello, and thank you for making your way to my blog.  I’ve been contemplating starting a blog for months now, but I keep putting it off because of uncertainty about whether I’ll have the staying power to finish what I started.  But the idea keeps nagging at me, and so I’ve decided to take the plunge.  I’ve been an avid reader of blogs for years, and what has struck me is how few blogs openly address the reality of being single.  While I read a few blogs written by single women, they seem to rarely talk about what it is really like to be single in a world where that designation seems to make a person an untouchable of sorts.  As a soon to be 33-year-old woman who struggles at times with her single status, I’m hoping that this blog can be a place for discussing the realities of single life and a place for me to vent a few of my frustrations.  Not a place of whining and griping, but a place for thought and contemplation.

So who am I?   In addition to being perpetually single, I’m also a perpetual student who is now officially one week away from graduating from medical school.   I live up north in the “great wilds of Canada”, where I enjoy the beautiful summers and tolerate the cold winters.  I live in an apartment with my two cats (such a cliché), who provide me with companionship and an infinite supply of cat hair in exchange for regular feedings.   If you've made it this far, send me a comment so that I'll know that this post hasn't just disappeared into the great black hole of the internet.  I'm curious to hear your thoughts.

Edited to add (July 23, 2011):  Since coming back to blogging a few months ago, I've noticed a lot of readers have been looking at my Welcome post (yes, I do look obsessively at my blog statistics).  When I reread this post, I feel like a very different person from the one who wrote it one short year ago.  While very little has changed in the details - I'm still in medicine, I'm still single, I still live with my two cats who are sitting next to me purring as I type this - a lot has changed in my outlook on life and in what I blog about.  If I had to write this post today, I wouldn't put my singleness first in my description of myself (nor would I give myself the same pseudonym or give my blog the same name, but I think I'm stuck with those!).  I'd put the fact that I'm a doctor first, as my struggles to learn enough, balance life and work, and support patients and families through illness and grief are first in my life at the moment.  Beyond that, I'd put the fact that I'm a daughter to a deceased father and a grieving mother, a sister to another doctor (we're starting a family empire), an aunt to two adorable redheads, a source of food to two cats, and a friend to many.  My singleness is still there, but it doesn't define me in the way that it has in the past.  

I hope you'll still stick around to read more.  Welcome.